Recently Libs of TikTok reposted a video that touched a nerve - some thirty million views, at the time of writing. It was from a woman who has successfully transitioned to living as a man - they don’t look ambiguous or odd, and their voice is deep and masculine. However, that is not the whole story. In the clip, they describe, tearfully, how difficult it is to operate as a man with the psychology of a woman (1):
"Nobody told me how lonely being a man is. I had closer friendships with random women I met in the bathroom, before I transitioned, at clubs, because of how open women are, than I have had in eight years of transitioning, because women are just much more vulnerable and deep than men... but to have known - and I think a lot of trans men feel this - we knew what that depth felt like before we transitioned; we knew what it felt like to have people want to hug us; and to have people want to talk to us, and have a community. And then you transition and you are just a guy, walking down the street that people cross the street so that they are not near you.
And friendships are so much harder to build; and people are colder - And what's hard is none of this invalidates how real and raw women and people who are in marginalised groups feel about CIS, white men. All of that's valid. But I also now understand why the suicide rate is so much higher in men. Because this shit is lonely. And I'm an emotionally mature man. I know how to build friendships, and it's still really, really hard.
Try to think about how you can, in your small little communities where you feel safe, can reach out to the men in your life, and just help them maybe feel seen, for a moment; Or do little conversations to help their emotional maturity so that they can reach out to people and have deeper guy friendships."
https://twitter.com/libsoftiktok/status/1667327987681722369
Libs of TikTok commented:
"This is really sad. Trans man realizes how hard it is to be a man when you’re really a woman. Males and females are different; and no matter what you do to your body, you can’t be the opposite sex."
The voice is masculine, but nothing else is - the gestures, the concerns, the appeals - and the range of comments and the depth of feelings expressed suggest this is clear to most people. The whole emotional journey is very similar to Norah Vincent's Self-Made Man. This describes her determined journalistic venture to pass as a man amongst men, in friendship, love, sex, work and the spiritual life. It’s worth reading: it is a clear sighted, unsparing and sympathetic account - of herself, and of the men and women she meets. But the attempt brought her hard up against what can and cannot be changed at will. In the end, to live as something she was not had serious negative effects on her mental health.
“And then you transition and you are just a guy, walking down the street that people cross the street so that they are not near you.”
Biological females are generally not interested in the problems of non-elite males. However, any who are considering living as a man might want to watch Martin Scorsese's Taxi Driver.
"TRAVIS BICKLE, age 26, lean, hard, the consummate loner. On the surface he appears good-looking, even handsome; he has a quiet steady look and a disarming smile which flashes from nowhere, lighting up his whole face. But behind that smile, around his dark eyes, in his gaunt cheeks, one can see the ominous stains caused by a life of private fear, emptiness and loneliness. He seems to have wandered in from a land where it is always cold, a country where the inhabitants seldom speak. The head moves, the expression changes, but the eyes remain ever-fixed, unblinking, piercing empty space."
The story grew out of Paul Schrader's own experiences:
"I was about 27...I went to the emergency room with a bleeding ulcer. When I was in the hospital, I realized I hadn’t spoken to anyone in almost a month.. I knew if I didn’t write about this character I was going to start to become him — if I hadn’t already."
Many cities now resemble 1970's New York, and some are worse. Nightmarish events, like those of Taxi Driver are still uncommon, but less so. For many atomised, non-elite males, the situations, the pressures, the emotions resemble those of Travis Bickle: isolation and lostness; limited to your own resources; no help from anyone; no acknowledgement of your existence.
TRAVIS:
"Twelve hours of work and I still can't sleep. Damn. Days go on and on. They don't end.
The days move along with regularity, over and over.
One day indistinguishable from the next... Loneliness has followed me my whole life, everywhere. In bars, in cars... sidewalks, stores, everywhere.
There's no escape. I'm God's lonely man."
Surgery and clothing don’t change the social world you will have to live in. Be careful what you ask for.
Not sure if I agree with this, but saying that - I certainly know where you are going with it. Yes men are men, women are women and I do not believe the two can cross ... they can enhance each other as we both (sexes I mean) have good and bad attributes; but one can not try and understand a full understanding of the other MENTALLY OR PHYSICALLY.
It is not a lonely World being a bloke, you just have to have that sought of outgoing personality, be social or whatever ... OH !, word or warning .... you may still get hit, if you talk to another bloke in a pub toilet, but hey-ho !!.
PS Women babble, go off track and waffle on about a load of shit.... men in general stay on track - makes a huge difference, as most married men, or blokes with girlfriends will know.